I keep thinking that today is going to be the day that I will get back on the road. At least I am sure of it in the morning. Almost every morning.
Today, though, I’m not even going to fantasize about tomorrow being “Day One,” because one of my most charming, engaging students just died suddenly in his sleep last week, during Spring Break. It’s hard enough for me, his professor, I can’t begin to imagine the pain of his mother when she found him first thing in the morning. A precious young man, with so much promise.
Anyway, I’ve been around long enough to know that there has always been something some reason, to delay, and they are rarely as “legitimate” as this one. Even when something incredibly wonderful has happened, then it’s time to celebrate. I no longer have any illusions. At least I don’t think I do. Compared with how I felt when I went into treatment last June, I no longer can still fantasize that alcohol is “my friend and lover.” I knew it intellectually then, but it still felt like the break-up of a long, long relationship. Now, my feelings agree with my mind and reason that it is my enemy, my downfall, and, worst of all, the way that I always sabotage my potential success.
I started my blog to recovery last summer and journaled my immediate reactions and thoughts about my treatment facility and my reservations about AA. I left treatment early because I just couldn’t stand it for many reasons, yet, I had no doubt that there was still much more that I needed to work through before I was healed. I really had no illusions that I had “recovered,” and always figured that I would need to go back into treatment.
Well, now I find myself drinking too much again. I absolutely do not want to take time away from my life to “go away” and be in groups from too early till too late, and AA just wasn’t helpful to me.
So, I am going to try to connect with all of you that share my struggles. I created a blog before, with another host, but never published it to the web. This time I am reaching out to all of you.
This is my first post on wordpress.com. I will be reposting my first articles from last summer, but I am really starting over once again, for the 343rd time, well not today, but day after tomorrow.